


An Exquisite Form of Self Destruction

by Starrstruck_64



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Background Relationships, Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Canonical Character Death, Everything Hurts, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, No happy endings, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Pseudo-Incest, Sad Ending, Self-Destruction, The Author Regrets Everything, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-04 04:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20465252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starrstruck_64/pseuds/Starrstruck_64
Summary: Ben wants to scream ‘look at me! Love me...please’ but the words die on his lips; choked off by petals coating his tongue from a love that’ll never be returned.AKA the Hanahaki disease AU nobody asked for but my brain wouldn’t let die





	An Exquisite Form of Self Destruction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MischiefWriter9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MischiefWriter9/gifts).

> Big shout out to MischiefWriter9 because lord knows I put her through hell with this little ficlet. But hey when the brain clasps onto an idea it's hard pressed to let it go.
> 
> Bring tissues it's a sad spiral.

Ben is 13 when Diego shatters his world with five words: ‘I think I love Klaus’.

“Oh?”

Diego looks shy at the admission but he nods even though he’s shifted his focus back on the blade in his hand he’d been sharpening.

“That’s...well that’s something.”

Ben wants to kick himself as soon as the words leave his mouth. He knows he’s being petulant, he should be happy for Diego, it’s just he wasn’t expecting this when Diego asked him to join him in the library for their allotted free time.

“I mean De that’s big news...have you told him?”

“N-no, I was hoping you could maybe help m-me do something special,” Diego asks turning hopeful eyes his way.

Ben finds himself nodding on autopilot. He doesn’t trust his mouth to give the proper response so he takes the option away and just forces a smile.

He spends the rest of their free time listening to Diego list ideas for how best to tell Klaus. He tries his best to remain composed and offer encouragement, but inside he feels like he’s drowning in despair.

Ben tries to tell himself he’s okay with this; Diego and Klaus will be great together. He has Diego’s familial love and that will have to be enough.

That night when they’re settled in for bed Ben stares at the red and white sweet pea petals in his hand and knows that nothing is going to be okay.

*~*~*~*

Ben doesn’t tell anyone about the petals. He adopts the mentality that if he ignores it maybe it’ll go away. It’s childish, he’s well aware of that fact, but how do you face the reality of your own death?

He loves Diego, he knows that much, but Diego doesn’t love him. And it hurts, knowing those soft smiles and heart eyes are never going to be for him.

So Ben takes to burying petals in the garden and pushes those feelings down as best he can.

Diego loves Klaus, and Klaus loves Diego; there’s no room for him.

The petals taste bittersweet on his tongue, he supposed it’s only fitting given what they represent.

*~*~*~*

Diego looks at Klaus like he hung the moon, brown eyes bright with multitudes of love, and it cuts Ben worse than any of his knives ever could.

He knows it’s selfish to be jealous of Klaus, after all he’s never told a soul his feelings towards Diego, but Ben still finds that ugly hot feeling of jealousy rooting itself in the pit of his stomach when he sees them together.

They’re meant to be studying Greek in the library, but Diego is whispering something to Klaus causing a light flush to spread over the curly haired boy’s cheeks and Ben feels another coughing spell coming.

Ben wants to scream ‘look at me! Love me...please’ but the words die on his lips; choked off by petals coating his tongue from a love that’ll never be returned.

He walks out when giggling starts.

*~*~*~*

Ben doesn’t know what’s worse the fact that somewhere along the way he stops hanging out with Diego or that Diego never questions the distance. Why would he though? He’s too wrapped up in Klaus these days.

The thing is Ben thought their friendship would survive. Perhaps he couldn’t have the love he wanted but he always figured that he’d still have Diego in some fashion.

It turns out he’s terribly wrong.

He gets it he’s the third wheel, but he was there first. He’s the one that sat with Diego and taught him how to sign when the stuttering got too bad and words just wouldn’t come. He’s the one that offered hugs when solo training proved too draining. He’s the one that bandaged Diego’s hands after particularly brutal sparing matches with Luther.

He’s always been there for Diego and it hurts that he’s been so easily pushed aside and left out of the picture. And vaguely he understands that Diego is focused on this new thing with Klaus but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

He was there first once upon a time. 

*~*~*~*

Some days the coughing wracks his entire body with the force behind them that makes him think he’ll fall apart before he suffocates. Those days when he’s left peeling petals from the roof of his mouth, and he just wants to cry his throat hurts so bad and his lungs burn.

But he refuses to let the tears fall. He’s supposed to be happy, his brothers are happy.

They smile, sickeningly sweet and Ben wants to look away, needs to look away, but he can’t. They share stolen kisses in the halls, secret touches at the table and whispered words whenever they can, and Ben’s left with a bitter taste filling his mouth.

He wants to be happy for them, he should be happy for them; that white got jealousy burns a little brighter each and every time.

*~*~*~*

He wakes up gasping and for a moment he thinks this is how it ends. There’s something caught in his throat and he can’t breathe and he’s clawing at his skin.

The petals are tinged with blood when he finally manages to cough up the cluster.

He stares at them in horror. There’s never been blood on the petals before and it scares him to think about the implications.

He’s in love with Diego and it’s killing him.

*~*~*~*

It’s not fair; not even remotely.

Diego has Klaus, he’s happy in a way that Ben didn’t think was possible; in a way that Ben longs for himself.

But he knows it’s foolish to hope for that happiness to be directed his way. He’s not meant to have nice things, rather he’s destined for lungs full of sweet peas; nothing more.

*~*~*~*

Ben withdraws more into his books and tries his best not to dwell on the fact that nobody seems to care that he’s not well.

He’s fairly certain that they just chalked up his behavior to the guilt he feels every time he uses his powers. They’re partly right of course, he hates the feeling of tentacles roiling in his gut, hates the bloodlust that rocks through him when they’re in control, hates how good it feels to let out a bit of frustration when they’re summoned.

The thing is the taste of ichor quells the bitterness of petals in his mouth, and for a moment he can forget.

It’s nice to not want so much he physically aches. A brief reprieve from the cold reality of sorrow and that red white jealousy he feels in his bones. Except guilt follows quickly on the heels of relief and he’s stuck back at square one.

Love is tearing him apart, and it’s only partially better than the thought of suffocating on flowers.

*~*~*~*

Klaus Can was poetic about Diego for hours if you let him. Most days Ben just lets him because he understands.

Diego has been this unobtainable goal since they were kids.

Only now Klaus has him and Ben he’s still learning how to cope. He should move on, he knows that holding onto these feelings is going to kill him one day, but getting over Diego is easier said than done.

A life without love is terrible, or so he’s heard. But what happens when your life is a love unreturned? Is it truly living without when it never was yours to begin with?

And if you can’t lose something you never had then why does it hurt so much?

*~*~*~*

  
Diego is hopelessly in love with Klaus and if it didn’t cause such physical pain watching them together Ben would be happy.

Instead he spends his nights muffling his coughs into his pillow gasping for air.

His lungs hurt and for such a fragrant flower the taste is terrible. He knows his time is running out, the petals are coming up more frequently. He should save himself, forget about Diego, but the thing is he thinks self-destruction is better.

Diego will never love him the way he does, but that’s okay. It’s not really, but he’s fine with it all. This line of work was never going to lead to a long life. He thinks he’d rather go out on his own terms.

The garden is overflowing with petals he’s buried.

*~*~*~*

When the end comes, Ben would like to think he’s ready; he’s wrong.

His body shakes violently, and he hurts so much. His lungs are on fire and his throat feels like it’s blocked. He knows that it is, there’s petals blocking his airway and he feels his vision start to blur. This is the end and he knows it.

Diego is still so beautiful, so unobtainable, and Ben, well he’s taking his love to the grave. The idea of what-if will haunt him forever, but the heart will always want the unobtainable.

*~*~*~*

Ben dies on a Tuesday. They find him with a crumpled sweet pea bloom parting his lips. There’s bloodied petals strewn across the bed.

Reginald has Grace clean the mess up, but the others see it all the same and they know. He’d kept it hidden so long, suffering in silence, but seeing realization flit across his siblings face doesn’t make it feel any better.

Klaus is looking at his prone form and Ben is positive he knows. His brother can be perceptive when he wants and judging by the glassy eyes and the extra step he leaves between him and Diego, Ben figures Klaus knows.

But he’s dead now and it doesn’t matter who knows what. He never had Diego, but Klaus did, does, and he’s going to ruin it all. Ben wonders if Klaus even knows what he’s doing, if it’s out of some misplaced sense of solidarity, but it doesn’t really matter, it’s all too little too late.

Diego leaves the Academy in the middle of the night; he leaves Klaus behind. Klaus leaves a week later a bit more jaded than before and Ben follows.

They don’t talk about the flowers, there’s nothing left to say. They certainly don’t talk about Diego.

Ben wonders if love lost hurts as much as love unrequited. Judging by the way Klaus tumbles head first into booze and drugs he figures it’s a close tie.

**Author's Note:**

> The flowers Ben spits up are red/white sweet peas. 
> 
> Meaning:  
Sweet peas:  
Blissful pleasure, tenderness, a departure; thank you for the lovely time
> 
> Red - love and desire  
White - innocence and gratitude


End file.
